he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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