Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
