I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
