I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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