i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
