If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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