somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
