On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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