You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
