i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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