how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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