My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
