I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
