Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
