i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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