i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
