I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
