I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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