life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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