So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
