Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
