totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
