The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
