How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize