she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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