Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
