I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
