That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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