Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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