my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
