Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
