drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
