I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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