Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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