You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
