u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Girls should come with a carfax report
no you cant smoke seaweed
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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