Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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