and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
