"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
