the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
