Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
