He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
