Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
