the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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