I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
