went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Pooping to opera.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
