3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I could make wine with my vomit
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
