I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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