If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
