I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
