ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
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I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
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I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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