Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
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It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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