My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
