the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
