thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
