He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
