I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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