Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
