u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
