I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
